A window inside life at Augustana College

Your Ideas, They will Make Wonderful Fodder



Black Squirrel Productions will be shooting a rambunctious amount of films, wigwams, jiggerdoodles, flim flams, and wangedoodles this Spring. We are looking for scripts and proposals by the end of this term.

  • The set deadline for scripts and proposed projects is Sunday February 22nd, 2015 at 12 AM midnight.
  • If you have a great idea send it in to BSPaugustana@gmail.com in a word document.
  • All your ideas are good.
  • There will be a casting call for actors/extras/marketers/promoters/etc.

I don’t often get the opportunity to say, “you don’t want to miss this,” outside of pepper spraying myself for the amusement of my loved ones, but this is a one way ticket to fun town that has to be punched by your enthusiastic involvement. Even if you’re not enthusiastic about having a good time and you’re a brooding artistic type with a steam pile of baggage and personal demons, come along! giphy

Augustana People: Natalie “It goes in the oven an hour before company arrives” Lamy

Natalie Hamy is a smart cookie. A dozen bakers couldn’t equal her genius. I was once tutored in a psychology class by Natalie and quickly found out that she was my Obi Wan in that discipline. I was fortunate enough to get some questions answered back by a list of people and she happened to be one.   Schinken


Get to know her.

GM: What brought you to Augustana?

NL: My Spanish teacher in high school went here and it literally one of two schools I applied to that I visited. Never even took a tour, just hoped it was the right choice



What advice do you have for incoming Freshmen?

Welcome to high school part two! But really, Augie is great and you should take advantage of all the things you can get involved in here

What are you involved in on campus?

Delta Chi Theta sorority, Greek Council executive board, Student Alumni Council executive board, and I work in the registrar’s office

Duck, Duck, Goose?

Wasn’t there something about a pickle jar in that game?

What is your favorite movie and why?

The Nightmare Before Christmas has and will forever be my favorite movie

Would you like to give me a dollar?

Nothing in life is free Gar…

Favorite holiday and why?

Halloween because who doesn’t love watching cheesy scary movies and dressing up?


A,B,C,D,E,F, are you a G?

Is this even a real question (YES)

Favorite type of Oreos

Double stuffed and in ice cream or no deal

Which power ranger speaks to you?

The pink one

Who is your celebrity crush?

Do you count as a celebrity Garbear? [;



Have you studied abroad and if not where?

I haven’t studied abroad but I did spend my summer in an international bioethics program at Yale University so that was pretty cool

I don’t know how Instagram works.

The more likes you get the stronger your selfie game is

What is your major and minor?

Psychology major and I am an minoring in Ethics and Communication Studies. I want to go to law school after I graduate from Augie

Billy Elliot can dance, what are your best moves?

Unfortunately I cannot ballet dance like Billy Elliot but that movie is the greatest

Will you enjoy a glass of lemonade from me, it is only a nickel and I need to help pay off tuition.

I’ll give you TWO nickels just because I like ya



Thanks Nat, and thanks for reading.

No Money, No Problem


Being bored as a young man with little expendable funds warrants creativity.  If necessity is the mother of invention, boredom is the milkman. Days gone by of smacking a piñata with a blindfold as my friends celebrated the bleeding out of our favorite cartoon characters danced like the Vikettes in my head. The memories I decided to make my own piñata using little more than a discarded box and Kraft cheese, the candy of people who have given up on nourishing their taste buds. All I needed was a stick to bludgeon  and a way to cover my face as I hate cheating more than Bill Belichick (allegedly) loves getting away with it. I looked for a blindfold and found nothing. The thought of using an old shirt crossed my mind until the hoarder in me felt the need to save each terrible shirt I wouldn’t  wear to a cross fit workout with the neighborhood Mommery in tow.


“Pink shirt with trout singing karaoke on the front. I’ll need you.”

“Gym shirt from 8th grade, I might run into Mrs. Fredricksen, she was smoking back then. I’m now of age. She might remember my scent. The scent of manhood. Keep it, tiger.”

“Shirt your ex-girlfriend left over, why do you still have this? Wait, it has a sweet zebra on the front. Cut the sleeves off and claim you’re wearing it ironically even though everyone knows you dig Chris Rock’s performance in Madagascar one, two, and three and the coming fourth one won’t disappoint you!”

The black trash bags in the kitchen would suffice as blindfolds, as for a  bludgeoning stick. My noggin would do more than fine. It houses my brain, a thinking machine unfit for a monkey.

Time to play.





The first attempt ended worse than intended. Instead of being bombarded with cheese candy I was met with the stern refusal of  reward known as the wall. I woke up in a state of confusion, lacking sufficient oxygen, and vision.

Attempt number two is made.



Second attempt did not go as well, ended up thinking pants were on fire. Turns out I am not a liar or a smart man.

Game off. I decided to do homework instead, going to college will eventually make me smart and worthy of the American workforce.


Augustana People: Alissa “Greek Chariot” Leirer

Alissa Leirer is an ear

of corn.

She’s a blissful day on the beach yelling at kids to quit stealing beer out of the cooler.

She’s a centaur shooting arrows into a crowd of satyrs.

She’s a jam filled peanut butter and rowdy sandwich.

And she wants young prospective men, women, children, and the like to rush Greek.

Lets get to know her.

alissa leirer



GM: What brought you to Augustana?

AL:I came to Augustana because my older sister attended and loved it. I also was drawn to the CSD department.

What advice do you have for incoming Freshmen?

Your time here at Augustana goes by so fast. Cherish every moment of it, do as much as you can, and make sure every moment here counts. These are some of the best years of your life.

What are you involved in on campus?

I am a Co-Recruitment Chair for Greek Council, and am the Vice President for my sorority. I am also a member of ASSHA.



Who has the best mustache, Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, Ron Swanson, Teddy Roosevelt, or Salvador Dali?

Salvador Dali of course!




Would you like to give me a dollar?

Anything for you Gary.

What is your favorite food?

I could eat mashed potatoes every day.

A,B,C,D,E,F, are you a G?


Who shot the deputy?

I shot the sheriff but I didn’t kill the deputy

Have you studied abroad and if not where?

I’ll be headed to Guatemala for Spring Break!

I don’t know how Instagram works.

Figure it out

What is your major and minor?

I am a CSD major and Psychology minor

Will you enjoy a glass of lemonade from me, it is only a nickel and I need to help pay off tuition.

Only if it’s made with love



I’ve been coloring lately, what coloring books should I be picking up?

Disney princesses



I’m sure she’d yank my ear and beat me if I didn’t tell you to sign up for LA RUSH.

“Sign ups are from 11-2pm and again 6pm-11pm this week through Thursday!”- Lissa Lynne, Facebook avatar of Alissa Leirer.

Thanks for reading.

Dictators Looking At Things

Anytime you have a rough day this week.

Imagine these guys being confused by things.

kim-jong-il-looks Kim-Jong-Un-3 north-korea-tensions-kim-binoculars-08031


Comment with your own captions.
Winner gets the internet.

Augustana People: Tesia “Joy for Substitute Teachers to Pronounce” Kolodziejczyk

Tesia Kolodziejczyk is an enigma amongst names and people alike. Some may know her as a member of the Phi Rho Nation, some may know her as a dancer, others may know her as a dancer abducted in a film made by Alvin Fonseca. I know her as a tiny dancer who holds this valentine candy shaped heart of mine near and dear to her post-Christmas-is-amazing Grinch sized heart. She hails from the same wonderful state as I. Colorado, in all of its splendor produced this woman and the rocky mountains effectively setting free two caged doves with one stone.


Tesia is an extremely smart person and although she carries a soft demeanor and is kind to all animals, she is powered by vengeance. Be careful not to cross her path or you will feel the revenge of the nerd. Get to know her.



GM:What brought you to Augustana?

TK: Gary Miller. ( Gary Miller has that effect on people)U_S_-Congressman-Gary-Miller-copy-918x310

What advice do you have for incoming Freshmen?

Meet Gary Miller.



What are you involved in on campus?

Phi Rho Sorority President; Co-Chair of the Honor Council

What are some hidden talents you have?

I can eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting.

What is your spirit animal?

Garfield. I’m lazy AF.

What is your greatest fear and why?

Getting in an accident on a bridge, going off the side, and drowning in my car because I can’t get out. Will somebody PLEASE buy me one of those window cracker things?

Do you have a nickname and why?

T-bird. I thank Sally Kenney for that one. Probably because I’m a 1950’s greaser at heart.


Who do you fear is really a robot on campus?

The Viking Pups. They’re too cute to be real.

Would you like to give me a dollar?

See answer to lemonade question below.

Favorite holiday and why?

Thanksgiving. SO much food that my fat pants don’t even fit. And I’m okay with it.

Favorite sports team and why?

Denver Broncos, because Tim Tebow used to play for them and he’s a babe.

Favorite type of Oreos

All oreos. Is this even a question?

Have you studied abroad and if not where?

Not yet, but in a few short months I’ll be living the high life in Rome.

You have an evil cat (they’re all evil) threatening your life. How you allegorically kill it nine times?

I actually do have an evil cat, her name is Savannah and she is black and fluffy and hates me.

I would pick her up in my arms and sing Sheldon Cooper’s “Soft Kitty” nine times over. I’m pretty sure I take a year off her life every time I do this anyways.

IF you were trapped in the wilds of Alaska with one person to survive the winter who would it be and what item would you bring?

If I was trapped, I would bring Gary Miller. He’s a grizzly man, I wouldn’t need anything else.

What’s the toughest class you’ve ever had?

The Art of Listening.

Just Kidding. It was Physical Chemistry

What is your major and minor?

Biochemistry and Pre-Medicine, with a minor in Chemistry.

Will you enjoy a glass of lemonade from me, it is only a nickel and I need to help pay off tuition.

Actually, I’ll give you a dollar.10710545_10200215300942886_845579228818350695_n

What is Greek life like?

  1. The country, not the fraternities and sororities here.
  2. Explain their economic system to me as if I was a four year old.

I don’t know much about world economics, but from what I hear, it’s a rough place to be right now.


P.S. Gary Miller is my favorite person of all time. I’m going to marry him one day.





Thanks for reading.




GO Mind Racer!


I am a man with too much time on his hands. With that time I daydream. The mind races and thinks the same way a child speaks after a sugar fueled Christmas binge. Their little bodies downing sugar like a downtrodden Tony Montana downs daddy sugar. Sometimes thoughts shoot into a person’s brain and they seem utterly insignificant until the obvious question comes along, if it’s insignificant why is it on one’s mind? My two and five year old cousins, two ferocious rolling balls of destructive cuteness, think everything is amazing. Everything is amazing and should feel amazing to them because it’s brand new. They have yet to grow as cynical as their twenty-two year old cousin who cries every time he watches Forrest Gump. Little Forrest Gump Jr. tugs on my heart strings like they were made of Greek ethos and he is yo-yo ma. The point is I hate most everything, its how I enjoy life. I’m happiest when I’m miserable, I find the misery in everything. It’s a gift seeing the glass full of stuff I’m going to drink even though I was told not too. Everything is amazing and I say that thinking of an old videogame called Primal Rage. I didn’t know the name of it other than that “videogame where the apes and dinosaurs fought like Mortal Kombat during the early 90’s fight game craze”. After scouring the internet like a person with the world at his fingertips should, I found it.


The coolest thing I could ever see as a kid was a toy from a show I watched or a video game I played. I’m sure I gained some amount of charisma from attempting to charm my parents into buying whatever flavor of the minute toy I was into during my early walking years. Walking by Primal Rage toys came to my mind and it occurred to me how easy it is to market to children. That’s my realization for the day. One of those light bulb moments from a cartoon that takes a long time to light up, like understanding what a cliché means but not really understanding it because you have no life experience in that matter yet. Then one day something happens along those lines and you let out a big, “ooooooooooooh, I get it now, time on his hands! Clocks tell time and they have hands! ” while sipping an iced Frappuccino from Mcdonalds because we’re not going to Starbucks this week hombre.

"Come at me bro, I'll love it"

“Come at me bro, I’ll love it”



If that analogy doesn’t cut it for you, its like me pronouncing potpourri with the T until I was thirteen. I also pronounced Yosemite like vegemite until I was around eight. Took me a while. I won the school spelling bee in sixth grade on the word “missile toe”.


Also For the rest of this year I will be accepting and also handing out weekly challenges for myself from others. Triple dog dare me to do stuff and I’ll most likely do it.

For example, one of these weeks I will be living in my car off of an allotted amount of canned goods and bottled water. I will only be allowed to access Academic buildings and Carver. Swimming do-gooder and alumni Justin Reppy wanted me to do it last year for charity. I don’t know how that was going to work out but I’m still game. We spit in our hands and shook on it so I have to do it.




Party on Augie.

Augustana People: Ben “Candy Necklaces” Hodges

I met Ben before we even set foot in a classroom. Getting to know him through football and living as a 1J warrior in Westerlin has been a pleasure. Some of Ben’s accolades as an athlete at Augustana include lettering all four years, being named Team Captain, and he is the recipient of the Jerry Freck Award. The Jerry Freck award  is selected by the coaching staff to honor the player who has done the most to overcome obstacles and shown great perseverance.

I know the following about Ben: He is a great conversationalist, his mother packs him scented sprays that allegedly improve studying habits, he has a girlfriend, he can run surprisingly fast for a man with two legs made of balsa wood, his girlfriend enjoys his subpar cooking and his excellent diction. tumblr_inline_mkr887PrT91qz4rgp   Get to know Ben a little better.


GM: What brought you to Augustana?


BH: Athletics is originally what brought me to Augustana. I was recruited to play football and was also presented with the opportunity to run track. From day one my life has been immersed in athletic competition, so I couldn’t imagine giving it up. After spending my first night on campus for a recruiting visit I knew this is where I wanted to be. I was shown the time of my life at Forsetti House and met awesome people. On top of that, I really enjoyed the campus environment and the idea of being at a small school where the professors knew who you were. 1240391_10201730906410626_1917935982_n



What advice do you have for incoming Freshmen?

Advice to incoming freshmen: while you don’t need to decide what you want to do with your life immediately, don’t assume you’ll have all the time in the world. College is a great way to explore the world and the opportunities that come from it; explore life in college, but don’t drift through it. Search for what you may want to do after college while also thinking seriously about the options you have. Step out of your comfort zone, try new things, and decide what’s right for you. As long as you keep embracing new experiences and recognizing opportunity, you will continue making strides to discovering what your life might be. It’s true you don’t need to choose your life or career path the second you arrive at school. Hell, you might spend two full years in college and still not know. But don’t mistake four years for 10. The sooner you start to seriously think about what you want get from life or what you want to make a career out of the better off you’ll be.

Who is your favorite mountain man from the early frontier days of the United States? What many people don’t know, but should, is that the mountain men of the early American frontier are solely responsible for shaping the country we live in today. Everywhere we look, if examine closely, we can begin to peel back the shades of time and uncover the significant contributions made by these glorious gentlemen. Such a man went by the name of John Colter. Colter invented what modern day college aged Americans term the ‘Naked Mile’. Except in Colter’s case, he spent 11 naked days in the mountain west fleeing from the attack of the Blackfoot Indian tribe. Man-with-beard-approves








What is your greatest fear and why?


My greatest fear is of heights because I don’t have wings or any natural means for surviving a high altitude fall.


Duck, Duck, Goose?


Goose, you flying (he didn’t saying flying but I won’t tell on him) idiot.


What do you think the biggest difference is between you now and who you were when you first came to Augustana?


I feel much more cultured and knowledgeable about the world as a whole now compared to when I first came to Augustana.


Alice Cooper once said, “school’s out for summer, school’s out forever” do you think he should be running an elementary school in Texas? I don’t think he is but I definitely endorse it.



I think everyone deserves a fair chance to run an elementary school in Texas.

10307412_10152010760251541_8806734129797377167_n Who shot the deputy?

The sheriff, obviously.

Have you studied abroad and if not where would you want to go? I had the privilege and opportunity to spend a week in France with the Augustana College football team as we prepared to take on the French national team. While this may not have been a study abroad trip per se, I learned about many of the differences that exist between American and French culture. I was able to experience the unique ways of French dining and also got to meet many people born and raised in the country. It was amazing to hear how many people spoke English fluently, which made getting around the towns much easier.

















You have an evil cat (they’re all evil) threatening your life. How you Creatively kill it nine times?

A continuous network of 9 wood chippers in which the debris of one shoots into the chipper of the other.popcorn_the_it_crowd















Thanks for your insight Ben and thanks for reading.

2014-A Disorganized Photographic Journey (For Serious Folks)



This  past year Augustana presented me many opportunities to experience the country and do what I love at the same time. Here is a small collection of photos that highlighted a special journey. Thanks again.


Last day of Summer school at the Atlantic Theater.

Broncos Game-Thanks for taking us Augustana!

Broncos Game-Thanks for taking us Augustana!



Opening for Jonny Loquasto, really respect and admire him as a comedian and a person. Admittedly, I had a terrible set and felt sorry for myself. He picked me up and I learned a ton from that. Always learning in the classroom and outside of it. I hope he blows up this year, he’s a tremendously funny dude and again, great person.


Mile High Stadium, as it will always be known.

Optimus Prime and Seth Hardcastle who happened to be vacationing in New York while I was living there.

Optimus Prime and Seth Hardcastle who happened to be vacationing in New York while I was living there.

Studying "abroad" in my home city of Denver at Pro Star Sports

Studying “abroad” in my home city of Denver at Pro Star Sports


Learning in the Atlantic Theater


Toys R’ Us- NYC


Notre Dame Stadium




Boston, MA


Meeting the Sklar Brothers

Denver Zombie Walk

Denver Zombie Walk



Manhattan, NY


Brooklyn, NY




Atlantic Theater folks on the subway. Literally from all over the globe in one spot.


Raziah Jone$


Lexington, MA-spot where the battle took place in the Revolutionary war.


my brother Raziah Jone$ opening for SeshHollowater Boyz. Really proud of all that he’s doing.




Supporting  Raziah Jone$-Here’s one of his videos. (Minor language)


Freedom tower NYC


Bob Mazooka toys


Heywire in the spring of ’14-Performing with these hooligans is always a good time.


Brooklyn, NY


Bob (me) and Carla (Cait Cairo) for Black Squirrel Production of Bob Mazooka Fun Time Action Hour For Kids-Link Here at Funny or Die (Don’t click if a butt/mimes/romance makes you squeamish)




jonny craig

Meeting Jonny Craig in New York, I’ve been listening to him since middle school.


Notre Dame football game- This was a dream trip and one I’ll never forget. The campus and atmosphere was beautiful.

Set of Sons and Daughters of Thunder with Josh Malone '14

Set of Sons and Daughters of Thunder with Josh Malone ’14


The Narrators, a monthly storytelling show in Denver that I was fortunate enough to be a part of. There is a tremendous comedy scene in Denver. The Arts are wonderful here.


Actors Theatre in Louisville, KY-went here on a field trip with the theatre department to experience the 38th annual Humana festival.


Atlantic Theatre in New York City

Lousiville, Kentucky and the bourbon trail after a weekend of theatre.

Lousiville, Kentucky British Gary, American Gary, American Kayla

Touchdown Jesus-University of Notre Dame

Touchdown Jesus-University of Notre Dame


Concord, MA


New York City with Holly Fraser and Jason A. Drago from the Atlantic

Brooklyn, NY-About sums up my experience

Brooklyn, Ny

Goodbye Yik Yak

An email went out today from the Student Government here at Augustana at 12:50 p.m. saying that the IT department here at Augustana has finally banned the use of the social media app, known as Yik Yak, from use on the Augustana internet. All of this transpired because there were offensive/ racist posts put on Yik Yak that garnered the attention of the BSU (Black Student Union) and Student Government.

To me, this is an outrage that the actions of a few have ultimately decided the use of an app for all.

Yes, the racist posts on Yik Yak were awful, but as soon as they were posted, they were down-voted to nonexistence by the Yik Yak community, showing that the Augustana community doesn’t condone such posts. Also, we have no evidence to say that a student was behind the event. We can only assume that it was, but it could have been a local who also used the app.

So because of these comments, Augustana has banned the only use of discussion for race that I have seen so far on this campus. The app allowed users to have discussions about their thoughts about the protest on Monday, Dec. 15th. I saw rational ideas about race in America, race on campus, and race in general. While there were negative posts, I was encouraged that students were in on the discussion.

The anonymity of the app allowed people to display their points without being labelled as a racist and being marked in a negative way. Yik Yak deserves a place here on campus because it can show views that the Augustana community to can resolve, rather than ignore it by banning the app.