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Mythological Creatures: Can You Trust Them With Your 401K?

If there is one thing I do take seriously in my life it’s being knowledgeable about how to battle mythical creatures. It’s been a lifelong pursuit for me, much like playing baseball with honor was for Mark Mcgwire*. It all began when I was a baby and a chupacabra named Rumple Steeleskins made a jaunt from Guadalajara, the land of my ancestors, to come and take me as payment for spinning Gold records for my mom’s bridal party. My family fought off the chupacabra using their two biggest fears: Owls and Ronald Reagan masks. Growing up in my household I learned that handlebar mustaches make the man not the other way around and anything is possible.

If you are ever in a quagmire with any of these common mythical creatures and need to eradicate them here is some advice.

1. Chimera

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This thing has the head and body of a lion, a serpent’s tail and a goat’s head because when you’re Zeus throwing lightning bolts at the genetic dartboard is just something you do with your brother’s Poseidon and Hades on a friday night. Kind of makes sense why the Greek gods don’t run anything anymore. Jesus made the IHOP, Platypus, and Bacon, not saying it’s right to compare anyone but Zeus isn’t doing too hot.

The first step in dealing with this creature is to soothe the snake’s indignant attitude with some Kenny G. Knocks it right out I promise. The next step should be handling the lion. Wrestling the lion with brute strength can work but for girlish men like myself I like to take a different approach. I like to take a simple chair, not to do the old circus lion tamer routine, but to sit the lion down. I then show the lion highlights from the Detroit Lions 0-16 2008 season. The lion refuses to call itself a lion anymore after witnessing this and goes on to live it’s life as a member of the play CATS. After that you’re dealing with a goat. I guess starting a petting zoo would be the next and final step.

2. Bigfoot

These guys could populate an entire NBA roster if somebody would stop messing with sasquatch and give him some beef jerky. I don’t know about anyone out there but it’s way easier to be nice to people/manbeasts and treat them with respect. Same goes for the Trix Rabbit, come over to the Miller house or Zander house anytime buddy and we can have breakfast together. I was raised by Barney to share and care. If a meansquatch is being a sassafrass to you on an excursion to the wildnerness well then have no fear anyways. The American goverment made Steve Austin bigger, faster, and stronger so he could fight these creatures.

the-six-million-dollar-man-the-complete-collection-20110908042059275-000If he or she is the loveable type I suggest raising it as part of the family, as I plan on doing this coming school year.

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3. Mermaids

I think mermaids get too much of a pass because they are “endangered”.  They are terrible people, worse people than cats. The only mermaid I ever got along with was Aquaman. If you still read my blogs man I’m really sorry about not calling you back, that bachelor party was insane. Aquaman bet me I couldn’t eat an entire family of Jellyfish. I did but my face was swollen for weeks. What a guy. Hope you and Wonder Woman are doing ok and that Batman still isn’t upset about me asking what he was doing for Father’s day. I didn’t mean anything by it.

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The other ones tried to serenade me to my death and eat me. I’ve had some awful ex-girlfriends but atleast none of them tried to eat me like Ariel did. There is a reason she collects forks. It’s ok I returned the favor on her entire city. Chicken of the sea indeed. Seriously, support your local Tuna fisherman that’s what you can do to stop the mermaid menace.

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4. Santa Claus

Let me ask Santa the following questions: Do I come into your house unannounced and eat your cookies? Do I watch you year round while you sleep and judge the merit of your character? Do I have a sweatshop with elves working for two candy canes and a polish sausage a month for me?  Do I have a wife/girlfriend that loves me? No to all of them.

Some people are ok with this guy coming into their house and the more the merrier Christmas to all of you. But I can’t stand being judged for pulling Tim Maroder’s hair once and not getting Shrinky dinks last Christmas. Seriously Santa? When I found out Vladimir Putin got a brand new Macklemore doll with laser eyes and a Tim Mcgraw chemistry set I lost each and every one of my marbles you didn’t get me either Santa.

My advice for getting Santa out of your home is to not listen to Journey and stop believing.

P.S. if you make me a likeable human being or give Alex Bowers and Connor Cummings an eight point buck each I’ll lay off and stop sending you Fruit Cake in the mail.

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