A window inside life at Augustana College

The Fax of Life

Growing up I had some wonderful neighbors who lived by me. These neighbors were the Nissen family, consisting of three gentleman who gave me some wonderful life lessons. An example of which included telling me that blood made the grass grow. I tried telling my teachers this for years but I always ended up eating bars of soap because of the verbal serve jobs I would give those fools. I apologize now for all the mean things I said Mr Graham? Carter? I don’t care.

I looked up to these gentlemanly Nissen boys in the same way my kids will look up to Liam Neeson, so thank you Chris, Matt, and Daniel-san. Their contribution to my psyche was made possible by their birth makers, Ed and Sandy. Also thank you Ed for always trying to bite my ears off, that helped me develop an immunity to the cauliflower virus. Thanks for also teaching me that Tom Cruise was not to be trusted.

These children taught me about "love" and that darkness was my only ally.

These children taught me about “love” and that darkness was my only ally.

The Nissens were responsible for many terrifying moments in my childhood too. My mom would get me a movie to watch such as Barney, Power Rangers, Three Ninjas or any other normal kid fare. The Nissen boys would ditch that in favor of horror movies. I also remember watching Casino at a pretty young age so hooray for me being mature! So thank you guys for making me the normal in no way weird or nutty as a fruitcake kid I am today.

Below are some of the harrowing moving talkie pictures I was subjected too and how they taught me life lessons.

10. The Leprechaun

The Leprechaun was the first time I was introduced to a horror movie. Some of my earliest memories are of me sitting in the dark and hearing people taunt me with, “I’m the Leprechaun“. For years I couldn’t look at a clover without thinking it would call upon a leprechaun who would not only eat me but sound creepy doing it. Warwick Davis was terrifying in this role much like his work as an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. I watched the entire series with young Daniel-san Nissen and every time somebody stole that Leprechaun’s gold, he would make some rhymes and find his victims.

If you get a chance watch Leprechaun in Da Hood, I believe it is the finest in the series. 

I guess I just learned to be myself from these movies? Yeah that’ll work.

 

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9. The Thing

Lessons Learned: Don’t trust anyone. Someone will try and eat you and become you. Michael Moore I’m looking at you.

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The resemblance is uncanny

8. The Silence of the Lambs

Lessons Learned: Lotion will make your skin beautiful. I learned what chianti is and that it goes well with fava beans. I think this movie probably inspired me to fight back against bullies in a unique way as well. When I was three years old we had a family dog. This dog decided he would try and bite young Garrison. Young Garrison bit the dog as hard as he could and showed him he was the true werewolf pack leader. TEAM JACOB CAN SUCK IT. Like I told a few Augustana ladies today, “I am not a Wookie, Jenna Hofmann and Alissa Leirer. That fur is werewolf skin”.

Please let me babysit, I need the money.

Please let me babysit, I need the money.

7. Evil Dead

LessonsLearned: Chainsaws are the only viable solution for zombies or deadites and I should aspire to be like Ashley J. Williams. The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis is a worse book to read than Everybody Poops: Celebrity Edition by Michael Cera and Bo Bice. 

GO TO FORMAL WITH ME! WHY DON'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY!!!

GO TO FORMAL WITH ME! WHY DON’T YOU THINK I’M PRETTY!!!

 

 6.  A Nightmare on Elm Street

Lessons Learned: Sweaters are really itchy and require a  hand claw to scratch your back  with. Fedoras are scary. Someone other than Randy Newman can haunt my dreams.

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5. Friday The 13th

Lessons Learned: Jason looks a lot like me as a child.

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You can always count on mom! Camp is overrated. Kevin Bacon wasn’t just in Footloose.

I love my mom April the same way man. I got so many feels.

I love my mom April the same way man. I got so many feels.

4. Halloween

Lessons Learned: Michael Myers was only after Jamie Lee Curtis because of his constipation. Years and years of being blocked up and all she had to do was give him some of her Activia. For shame.

The face of Halloween horror

The face of Halloween horror

3. Species

Lessons Learned: Cooties are gross and girls are the ickiest.

This movie is awful.

This movie is awful.

2. It

Lessons Learned: Clowns are terrible people 24/7. They all float. Don’t trust anyone living in a sewer. I figured that would be common sense but I actually accept a lot of toys from the mole-men living underneath the 1J showers. This movie made me distraught. I don’t think a movie had a greater effect on screwing me up than this one did. I was constantly afraid of a clown coming up from the showers and pulling me down with him. I finally got over this fear after I learned how to be a mime, the clown’s only known natural predator. 

Hello, would you be interested in our wonderful Avon products?

Hello, would you be interested in our wonderful Avon products?

1. Whatever This Is

I learned . . . math is hard.

My mom is actually responsible for this. Don't ever do that to me again or I will never clean my room again.

My mom is actually responsible for this. Don’t ever do that to me again or I’ll tell Dad you were kissing Santa Clause.

 

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