A window inside life at Augustana College

I Became a Big Boy Today and Pampers Didn’t Even Notice

Spring break 2013 in Rock Island has been a learning experience thus far. I feel like the narrator in a growing up tale written by Stephen King’s nephew Rodney King. I began my Friday with a wrestling practice where one of my coaches asked me a profound question that really dug at the core of me.

“Gary, why would you ever dye your hair red and make yourself a ginger?”

Blankly staring at him like the time my mom caught me trying to marry one of my pillows when I was four, I said to him,

 

This was the first time I truly knew what it felt like to be asked a question. Normally, I pretend life is an opera and everyone is just singing to me. I also envision everyone as a Muppet (trademarked by Jim Henson, don’t sue my imagination Disney). His question totally shattered my universe.

That Friday evening I went to bed early after organizing my Dixie Chicks albums alphabetically. A voice woke me up like it was a mission from God. I opened my eyes to see the clock said 3 A.M. and I did the only sensible thing I could at that time. I put on my favorite shirt, sprayed myself with store-brand Axe, said goodbye to my Bane poster and walked down to Alex, Connor, and Dave’s room. On my journey to the Thunder-dome, I pontificated to myself about global economics and wondered if I would ever find love in a hopeless place. When I finally arrived, Alex was waiting for me in a swivel chair, surrounded by other Jimmy Gold Bond villains: Ben Deig, Cody Weitzel, and Emalee Leigh aka El Gato Pollo.

They demanded I take them to Taco Bell, and after three minutes of Medieval style torture, I relented.Torture

 We packed into the carriage and I took them to Denny’s after finding out Taco Bell and The Interesting Hiphopanonymousaurus Orders Pudding (IHOP in America) were closed. When we got seated in Denny’s the waitress perplexed me with her rapid fire questions.

“What kind of drink do you want . . . What do you want to eat . . . Are you sure, is that your final answer?”

I found myself having to phone Emalee from across the table.

“Emalee, tell Ben to tell the waitress that Alex was told by Cody to buy a 25$ T-bone steak for breakfast”.

After everyone earned Denny’s respect by eating all our food and paying for it we headed back to Augustana. Everyone in the mini-tank was astounded by the music and thanked young Garold for the adventure.

It was time for a slumber and when I awoke it was time to spend all day with Alex and his parental guidance units. The day consisted of consuming calories in the form of Hamburguesas y pizza. Our day was also filled with the new Die Hard. The first movie in the Die Hard series is my favorite Christmas movie. A couple of really, really big spoiler alerts for the new Die Hardis that it’s in Russia, John Mcclane deals out death to bad guys like grandma dishes out sloppy kisses on Christmas, and Pee-wee Herman doesn’t lose his bike. John Mcclane & son constantly make the audience say to themselves, “that would never happen, they’d be dead in real life”.

“A thumbs up for Bruce Willis and a confused look for all the girls way prettier than me”

 

But then the audience remembers how much Charlie Sheen cheats death on a daily basis and says, “I totally believe in Santa, the NBA, and that my cats aren’t planning to steal all my shirt sleeves in the night, why not this”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been a lovely spring break so far, I look forward to turning Westerlin into an anti-zombie fortress before people get back.

AMEN

Leave a Reply