A window inside life at Augustana College

Teddy Roosevelt: God’s Mansterpiece

 

Disclaimer: This whole article must be read in Morgan Freeman’s voice. Thank you for your time and drive safely.

 

President Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt is one of those men that deserves his own hall of fame. His mustache was envied by the Chinese because it was smoother than any silk they could export. The only thing that could shave his facial hair is Wolverine’s claws, if Teddy allows it. This man was a sickly child who willed himself to greatness, he invented “just do it” before Nike even knew how to make a mess in their diapers. Men everywhere learned his name before they could even spell. Women kept a photo of him on their wall to show their husbands who they hoped would carry them away on his majestic steed. Teddy Roosevelt’s horse was made entirely of the fear that endears the heart of every man honored enough to be graced with his presence.

He is the twenty-sixth president of this endearing and majestic country we call the United States of America. Teddy Roosevelt was the type of man that could make a bear punch itself happily just by flashing a smile, then shave all the bears hair off with his razor sharp knuckle hair, make it name  itself  Roseanne Barr only to see the bear end up as a television actress. Teddy Roosevelt is that kind of man. There are some things men must know about Teddy Roosevelt. First of all, he was born October 27, 1858 to the roars of long dead Roman gladiators waking from their graves to celebrate his entrance into the battlefield of life. He allegedly died on January 6, 1919. He was said to have died in his sleep, “Death had to take him sleeping,” said Vice President Thomas R. Marshall. “For if Roosevelt had been awake, there would have been a fight”. The president is simply in a deep slumber from which he will wake up from, make eggs and bacon, then be on his merry way to Freedomville, USA.

Above is the only known ultrasound photo of the president. Here he is at 2 months in the womb.

Why am I writing about Teddy Roosevelt you ask?

don’t ask that question. Chickity check yourself fort thou hast wrecked thou self something fierce (that’s probably in the bible? my mom says it isn’t but she doesn’t listen to Ice Cube as intensely as I do either, Ice Cube also said if you’re scared go to church. I “aint ever scurred” though unless clowns and spider-clown-mimes are involved).

Some facts about this Patriot.

  • President Roosevelt In 1898,  assembled the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. They were essentially like the Avengers, he was Batman though.
  • Roosevelt was a successful boxer at Harvard. Roosevelt maintained an interest in various martial arts throughout his life, including judo, kendo, jiu-jitsu, boxing, and wrestling, practicing many of them at the White House. (http://www.nps.gov/thro/historyculture/roosevelts-bar-fight.htm)

Here are some links to further your knowledge.

http://youtu.be/v_5yNiTEfVw

http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1906/roosevelt-bio.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvZP93XqyTw

http://www.cracked.com/funny-2522-theodore-roosevelt/

 

You don’t have to thank me, thank penicillin and s’mores.

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