Being bored as a young man with little expendable funds warrants creativity. If necessity is the mother of invention, boredom is the milkman. Days gone by of smacking a piñata with a blindfold as my friends celebrated the bleeding out of our favorite cartoon characters danced like the Vikettes in my head. The memories I decided to make my own piñata using little more than a discarded box and Kraft cheese, the candy of people who have given up on nourishing their taste buds. All I needed was a stick to bludgeon and a way to cover my face as I hate cheating more than Bill Belichick (allegedly) loves getting away with it. I looked for a blindfold and found nothing. The thought of using an old shirt crossed my mind until the hoarder in me felt the need to save each terrible shirt I wouldn’t wear to a cross fit workout with the neighborhood Mommery in tow.
“Pink shirt with trout singing karaoke on the front. I’ll need you.”
“Gym shirt from 8th grade, I might run into Mrs. Fredricksen, she was smoking back then. I’m now of age. She might remember my scent. The scent of manhood. Keep it, tiger.”
“Shirt your ex-girlfriend left over, why do you still have this? Wait, it has a sweet zebra on the front. Cut the sleeves off and claim you’re wearing it ironically even though everyone knows you dig Chris Rock’s performance in Madagascar one, two, and three and the coming fourth one won’t disappoint you!”
The black trash bags in the kitchen would suffice as blindfolds, as for a bludgeoning stick. My noggin would do more than fine. It houses my brain, a thinking machine unfit for a monkey.
Time to play.
The first attempt ended worse than intended. Instead of being bombarded with cheese candy I was met with the stern refusal of reward known as the wall. I woke up in a state of confusion, lacking sufficient oxygen, and vision.
Attempt number two is made.
Second attempt did not go as well, ended up thinking pants were on fire. Turns out I am not a liar or a smart man.
Game off. I decided to do homework instead, going to college will eventually make me smart and worthy of the American workforce.